and it is mostly in my head!
Following in the footsteps of Nancy from myyearofsweat (yes I do that a lot…she inspires me often!) I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about my own interpretation of other people’s actions, and I have to admit there is an outside chance that some of the things I believe about people are really a form of projection.
Definition: Projection is a type of defense mechanism. In projection, a person experiences an emotion or thought that they aren’t able to cope with. So, instead, they perceive the thought or feeling as if it had come from someone else.
It is just possible that the “sympathy claps” I received as I was running my 10k were actually just claps of encouragement.
It is just possible that the looks of pity or the looks of derision are actually just people looking at the person who is passing them because the person is passing them and not because they are laughing.
It is just possible that even now after I have come so far that I still feel like I am not really good at what I am doing, that I still feel inadequate and like I am making a fool of myself running!
Could it be that the other runners are not looking at me and thinking “what the hell are you doing”?
Could it be that the people on the bus are more concerned with their own lives?
Could it be that I am projecting my own fears of ridicule onto these people?
well…when you put it like that, it is more than possible, i think it is highly possible. I am sure there are some people out there who do think mean things, but I am starting to believe it is not the majority. I am starting to believe that the people who cheer the slower runners on race day are being encouraging not patronising.
I started thinking about what I would say to other people in my position, if I saw someone else in a similar position would I think them “not a real runner” would I think them unworthy of being in the race? I really wouldn’t, I wouldn’t say it, and I wouldn’t believe it! So if I can believe it about other people, why can’t I believe it about myself!
now for the amazing thing…
I am not saying I have lost all the negative feelings I have about myself, but realising that I am generating them has made me question them, which in turn has made me start to believe in myself a little bit more. I am starting to believe that you know what, I am a runner (albeit a really slow one) and I have as much right as anyone to be out there running 😀
and the really amazing thing:
Every other runner I have seen since I started thinking of this (3 runs) has smiled and acknowledged me and I have smiled and acknowledged them! This can’t be a new thing, it can’t be that runners have just this week decided to nod to each other. It can’t be a coincidence…people haven’t become more friendly in a week.
It might just be that I have started looking up more…
It might just be that I have stopped ignoring the world and started to run in it (as it were…)
People haven’t become more friendly, but maybe I have 😀
The other thing I have realised in the course of writing this, is that I only do this when running, I don’t walk around the gym thinking these things about other people, or when I am dancing or in a gym class… but you know what, I used to, and it is only as my confidence in these areas has increased that I have stopped assuming I have to prove myself to the world.
The only person in the world who has doubts about me, is me…and it really is time that changed!!
Project Warrior Goddess 
Bravissima Sam!!! This made me smile from ear to ear! I understand every word because I have felt everything you describe. I am so very happy for you and this awesome breakthrough! xoxo
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thank you 😀
all it took was the simple act of realising / admitting that was what I was doing to make me stop (or try to stop)!
😀
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It’s still impressive!
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thank you 😀
you made me realise it!
then it just took me about a week to work out the correlation…
sometimes I am slow on the uptake with things relating to me…
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Yeah, you and me both, sister!
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😀 funniest thing is I have probably told other people exactly this!
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Yep! Same!
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🙂
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🙂 Well done your head for catching up with your body.
Doing better than yourself is far more of a usefull challenge than how you do compared to other people.
The other runners are probably more woried about their own performance than yours
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😀 you are completely right!!
I think I may have even said the same thing to other people, it just never occurred to me that it applied to me too!!
😀
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Nice post ! Thank you for sharing this 😊
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thank you 😀
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Yay! You are finally starting to believe in yourself. I thought of you last Sunday when I was walking round York with Adam – there was Morris Dancing in 2 of the squares.
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It has taken a while but I think I finally am 🙂
I love that I am associated with Morris dancing across the country 😀
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We stopped and watched some of it but Adam gets bored easily so we had to move on 😀
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that sounds fair enough…some of it is a little samey…especially if there are hankies 😉
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I hate runners – but only because they make me feel guilty 😉 I’m usually having a glass of wine at an outdoor cafe when they jog/run past and I contemplate for a moment… and then it passes 😉
But seriously, when I see bigger people running, I admire them all the more because it means that they’ve taken charge of their lives and are doing their best to be the best person they can be. So even the snotty bastard wine drinkers are probably jealous of you – think of that next time you’re running past 😉
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😀 yeay!
I will think of that!! It Is much nicer than assuming everyone is laughing at me!
Actually I quite like the idea of jogging to an outdoor cafe having a drink then jogging back…but I suspect this won’t get the half marathon run 😉
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Possibly not 😉 Well maybe, just don’t have cake as well or you’ll be there all day 😉
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Hahaha I think that would make running much nicer, but maybe was effective 😉
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I’d probably take up running if there was cake involved. Nuff said 😉
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😀
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sometimes it takes a while to really “get” that aha! moment for oneself. but the timing doesn’t matter – everyone moves at their own pace. see how I did that? connected the aha moment to running? 🙂
Great post!
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Thank you 🙂
It is funny, it is only after I had had it that I even realised I needed an aha moment 😀
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