This should, strictly speaking, be called “Dear Races” but it isn’t…

After last week’s moderately disastrous Reading Half Marathon (yes I know I completed it and that is a great achievement blah blah…it was still in many ways disastrous), I have been doing a lot of thinking about running.

About whether I want to run at all again, about whether I will do any races, about just what it is about running that makes me keep doing it when I am clearly not cut out for it.

Firstly I should say, that I don’t always hate running. I sometimes even quite like it. BUT I am not one of these people who needs to run to feel better, I don’t love it and it doesn’t love me. I should also say that whatever I feel about running, I have a massive amount of respect for people who can run, and who can complete marathons and half marathons without having a world class melt down like I did!

The problem I have is really related to running in organised races and events. WHen I run in these, I feel like the last 2 years of training have not happened!

I feel like the fat girl who struggles to keep up with everyone.

I basically feel like this:

there are several reasons for this…

1) I run very slowly!

2) the slow runners start at the back, so they can only get further back and their slowness is highlighted to the world.

3) I don’t look comfortable running, no matter how I am actually feeling, I look like I am struggling. This makes people encourage the “plucky fat girl who is trying her best” which makes me feel ashamed!

I know a good deal of this is in my head, but that is how running races makes me feel. I know I am better than I was. I know that. Running its self doesn’t make me feel like that.

Running on my own, comparing my time to my previous times doesn’t make me feel like that.

This is why I cry during events and why I don’t want to put myself through them any more!

Lifting on the other hand makes me feel like this:

and like this:

basically awesome!

So from now on, I am going to mainly do things that make me feel awesome!