There will be flamethrowers!
In a short break from my normal blogging topics I thought I’d tell you about anxiety and how it relates to me.
It is relevant really because a heath and fitness should refer to all aspects of health and fitness, and certainly all aspects that relate to the blogger!
I will start with a bit of back story… in the dim and am distant past (about 10-15 years ago) I had depression and anxiety and it caused me all sorts of problems…
but I fixed myself, with some help and support…
Anyway, it doesn’t ever go away fully you just learn to live with it and stop it becoming a problem. So well in fact that I could quite easily forget I had it which is pretty dam awesome.
Recently anxiety has risen up and made a home in my head…
it is a bit like this:
I don’t really know where to start, it just feels important to write this down. It is not good pretending it does’t exist.
However, the first thing anxiety does it tell me that this is not worth a blog post. It tells me that I am just whinging over nothing, things are not really bad in my life after all. It tells me that noone wants to read this and that this is pointless.
It is actually right now this minute telling me that I should delete all this and not bother.
The reason I am carrying on with this is because it is important that people speak about these things, there is too much stigma attached to conditions such as anxiety and depression. The more people speak up the better. I also think it is going to help me to tell you all…
I can’t tell you exactly what triggered this, i do have a pretty good idea actually but it isn’t for here. Suffice it to say some people (not me…) did some things that shook my world view and made question a lot of things. It came to my attention around christmas and since then I have been attempting to process it. Anyway, it has triggered some anxiety I had almost forgotten that I had.
What I want to do is describe the things that this anxiety does to me. People have the perception that anxiety is extreme worrying or nervousness about situations and panic attacks. Well those things do happen, but they are not all or even the main part of anxiety for me.
This is what anxiety does to me:
It takes away my ability to trust my own judgement, it takes away my ability to accurately asses situations, it makes it impossible for me to know what I feel or believe what others say.
If I text someone, and they don’t text back immediately the psycho in my brain starts doing this…
“You are annoying them”
“They don’t want to talk to you”
“Why don’t they like you”
“You are not interesting why would they answer”
“Just check to see”
“Why wouldn’t they just tell me to go away”
“I hope they don’t tell me to go away”
“Why would they want to talk to you anyway”
“They would rather talk to anyone else let’s be honest”
And more and more to that effect all in the space of seconds…
All the while the logical sensible side of me knows none of this is not true. It counters with:
“They are at work”
“They are busy”
“Even if they forget it doesn’t mean they hate you”
“Stop being ridiculous”
Then the psycho picks up on “ridiculous” and starts of with:
“You are so ridiculous”
“Everything you do its stupid”
“You are kidding yourself”
Again all in the space of seconds…
this carries on until it is so loud inside my head that it feels like it will explode.
So I text people again and again and again then I know I am annoying and start apologising for being annoying over and over again…
I did this yesterday to more than one person…
It doesn’t matter that I know that is is all in my head, I feel powerless to stop it!!
The really stupid thing is when they do answer the email or text the psycho starts off with
“You guilt tripped them into it…”
“They answered to shut you up”
It is exhausting!
Then there is the thing that happens when something good happens…
you get super happy and excited for a few seconds then the doubts start..
“You have no reason to be this excited it’s not a big deal”
“Other people do this way better than you it should be them”
“It has been a mistake”
This sort of second guessing and negative self talk happens for everything, every conversation (almost), for every event, for every time I step on a scale or decide on food, for every decision I have to make!
(Except dancing…this doesn’t happen at dancing for some reason)
This is what anxiety does to me!
I can’t pick up a phone to make a phone call without about a day of procrastinating.
I can’t go to a new thing with new people without giving myself a constant pep talk. Yes there have even been times when I can’t do things at all.
I rarely get panic attacks. I rarely give outward signs that this is going on… but it is there!
I can’t tell people because I don’t want to bother them, the psycho me tells me they don’t really care anyway…
I need to point out this is not all the time!
I am generally ok even now. It is happening more at the moment for some reason, but it is not all the time!
I am not telling you this so you (if you are one of those I speak to away from blog world) will text me back more often or more quickly…
I really do know that you all have lives and things to do!
I really do know that one missed text doesn’t mean you hate me!
I just felt the need to write this down because it happens to me sometimes.
I am winning over the psycho and I will not let this stop me from doing stuff!
Doing stuff helps!
Running and cycling helps!
So all I have to do is keep doing and find a way to stop listening to the psycho on the occasion that they creep in!
I am even second guessing publishing this post because I don’t want people to think I am guilt tripping them into liking me!
I am not! This isn’t what this is!
This is me saying no more!!
No more psycho no more monsters no more sitting alone in the dark!
This is me taking back my head!!
There will be flamethrowers!!