I am not going to be the fat dragon anymore!

(I promise this is not as negative a post as it seems to be at the start)

As a follow up to yesterdays blog, I have now seen pictures from yesterday and I am even more convinced that I have a mammoth task ahead of me to get back to somewhere close to where I want to be.

I don’t want to be the fat dragon any more. I don’t want to be the dragon who, when taking the pie that is set as a trap to poison him, makes the audience think “that dragon has already eaten too many pies”

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This is the only dragon picture I could stand, I was kneeling down hidden by my wings

I feel ridiculous for even attempting the part and like I have let Mythago down. If I can’t perform convincingly and at my best, should I even be performing at all?

There are boat load of excuses I can roll out to cover the reasons why I wasn’t at my best, it was too hot, I am not 100% after my ankle break, I have arthritis in my toe…etc etc but they are all rubbish. It was hot for everyone, other people have injuries they are recovering from…It boils down t the simple fact that I am (again) too fat and not fit enough.

No more excuses!

no excuses

No more kidding myself that I don’t care how big I am as long as I am fit.

I do care and I hate that I care. I feel like a failure as a feminist and like I am caving in to the pressures of society.

However what I hate most is feeling sluggish and like I am embarrassing myself when I try to move.

I am fully aware that I am being harsher on myself than I would ever be on anyone else, I am also aware that my perception is probably not the same as everyone else. However, this is how I am feeling about myself right now. I am hoping that recording it here will allow me to move past the negative feelings and get on with concentrating on what I am doing to fix things…

Funnily enough it is working. I am already feeling more positive than I was when I started writing this! SO on to the things I am doing to fix things.

Exercise wise, I have already added a lot of things into my routine that I need to be doing, plyometrics, HIIT, running etc. (see project regain my springiness)

In addition to that I am recommitting to tracking my food. It is annoying but it works and it is not restrictive in the way specific diets are, it is just a way of me reminding myself just how much I am eating and that I need to be conscious about using more calories than I consume. The main thing I need to remember is that less is not necessarily better. I can eat up to my calculated calorie limit and be ok. I do not want to get into excessive diet/calorie restriction…

The last thing I am doing to keep track of all of this is measuring my waist size. I do not want to weigh myself regularly, it becomes obsessive and negative. The number on the scale is not an accurate representation , and I know that but it can still take over  your perception of self. So waist measurement it is, just as an indication that I am going in the right direction.

So as an indication that I am going in the right direction, I took my measurement this morning, and I am 1cm down since last Monday.

I also felt better on my lunchtime run than I expected to feel, especially after yesterdays failed attempt! I’ll put details of the run up later once I have finished all of the day’s activity, but for now here is me at the end…

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this is a much better face than yesterday’s!

 

 

 

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Is it actually anti-feminist to want to have control over your own body? Yesterday’s self doubt sounds as if it came from a mixture of your body not being as fit as you want it to be and also seeing photos that you hated. Had it been caused by the photos alone: that is a societal construct which is not an empowering way of thinking. But you want to be better. And you’re certainly allowed to be considered a feminist and strive to be beautiful behind the mask of the mightiest dragon that dances with Mythago.

    Good luck as always in your quest. But try not to judge yourself too harshly x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!
      I know you are right! The whole point of feminism is to be allowed to do things the way you want to, I know that today in my much more logical frame of mind!
      Yesterday’s self sound came from not feeling like I was doing as well as I could have done and feeling uncomfortable and then photos reinforcing those feelings…

      I know I can improve I am already improving I just have to remember it!!

      Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot x

      Liked by 1 person

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