(I promise this is not as negative a post as it seems to be at the start)
As a follow up to yesterdays blog, I have now seen pictures from yesterday and I am even more convinced that I have a mammoth task ahead of me to get back to somewhere close to where I want to be.
I don’t want to be the fat dragon any more. I don’t want to be the dragon who, when taking the pie that is set as a trap to poison him, makes the audience think “that dragon has already eaten too many pies”
I feel ridiculous for even attempting the part and like I have let Mythago down. If I can’t perform convincingly and at my best, should I even be performing at all?
There are boat load of excuses I can roll out to cover the reasons why I wasn’t at my best, it was too hot, I am not 100% after my ankle break, I have arthritis in my toe…etc etc but they are all rubbish. It was hot for everyone, other people have injuries they are recovering from…It boils down t the simple fact that I am (again) too fat and not fit enough.
No more excuses!
No more kidding myself that I don’t care how big I am as long as I am fit.
I do care and I hate that I care. I feel like a failure as a feminist and like I am caving in to the pressures of society.
However what I hate most is feeling sluggish and like I am embarrassing myself when I try to move.
I am fully aware that I am being harsher on myself than I would ever be on anyone else, I am also aware that my perception is probably not the same as everyone else. However, this is how I am feeling about myself right now. I am hoping that recording it here will allow me to move past the negative feelings and get on with concentrating on what I am doing to fix things…
Funnily enough it is working. I am already feeling more positive than I was when I started writing this! SO on to the things I am doing to fix things.
Exercise wise, I have already added a lot of things into my routine that I need to be doing, plyometrics, HIIT, running etc. (see project regain my springiness)
In addition to that I am recommitting to tracking my food. It is annoying but it works and it is not restrictive in the way specific diets are, it is just a way of me reminding myself just how much I am eating and that I need to be conscious about using more calories than I consume. The main thing I need to remember is that less is not necessarily better. I can eat up to my calculated calorie limit and be ok. I do not want to get into excessive diet/calorie restriction…
The last thing I am doing to keep track of all of this is measuring my waist size. I do not want to weigh myself regularly, it becomes obsessive and negative. The number on the scale is not an accurate representation , and I know that but it can still take over your perception of self. So waist measurement it is, just as an indication that I am going in the right direction.
So as an indication that I am going in the right direction, I took my measurement this morning, and I am 1cm down since last Monday.
I also felt better on my lunchtime run than I expected to feel, especially after yesterdays failed attempt! I’ll put details of the run up later once I have finished all of the day’s activity, but for now here is me at the end…