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I feel like I am nothing

nothing

I sit here broken.

I am smashed.

I am shattered.

I am pieces held together by will power and trousers.

The slightest knock would leave me scattered on the floor, ready to fade away.

I am nothing.

I am no-one.

I have no-one

I am desperately shouting to make people notice, to make people remember, to make people think I am more than I am.

Without the hair, without the noise without the colours and the bravado, I am nothing.

I am mediocre, and middle aged.

I feel like I am nothing.

I know that deep deep down, if anyone was asked to choose, they wouldn’t choose me.

I know too that this is not as real as it feels.

I know that in the face of sad things that happen in real life, this is how my anxiety reacts. It tells me all these lies which become difficult to tell apart from reality. Then, if reality behaves as if it is my anxiety, I start to fall to pieces.

I know that it is my anxiety that spirals me down into the depth of comparison, and I know that it is my anxiety that causes me to to believe that I do not measure up to others. But anxiety or not it feels real. I am nothing in comparison.

I know that a lot of these feelings are created or amplified by my anxiety. But that doesn’t change the way it feels.

I feel like I am nothing.

 

 

 

8 Comments »

  1. I choose you x

    You are exactly who you need to be.

    I would also like to say that stripping away your hair colouring and bright clothes, doesn’t mean that you are diminished. They’re just the outward embodiment of who you are. And that mean that you are a vibrant, bubbly person with enough power to slay dragons if you need to (or at least to blind them with your bright clothing. I suggest the wearing some orange if coming into contact with heinous foes. That’s the most deliciously bright colour I’ve seen you wear.)

    I too hate being middle-aged. But it is what it is. And I know a lot more now. No one can ever make me feel like a young whippersnapper who knows nothing. I am who I am and you are who you are.

    Oh, and before I forget: {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
    You sound as if you need them today x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
      I woke up feeling like this today, I felt like I could barely interact with the world and I was pretending to be something I am not!!

      Writing it down and putting it out in the air stops it being in my head where it festers!

      I can see it and challenge it and wonderful people like you remind me that things other than the negatives exist.

      I didn’t write it for the compliments, but they are very much appreciated! As are the hugs thank you ❤️❤️❤️

      I love the orange too… I need more of it for cheeriness and dragon putting off! 🧡🧡🧡

      Like

  2. As someone who will be officially old very soon, i think youre inspirational to a lot of others. Also even if you wore black and dyed your hair black you would still be bright and multicoloured to me. Missing all your colours in person, but enjoy reading about them, even if i’m rubish at telling you. hoping to be able to see you beeing bright and strong when you do the strong thing

    Liked by 2 people

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