I thought I’d write a followup post to yesterdays.
Yesterdays post was exactly how I was feeling in one moment of the day, well more than one actually, I woke up feeling that way. I felt like I was not really in the world, that I was noone and nothing and I could fade away.
I don’t feel that way now, I feel odd, strange, flat, sad still, but also like I am ready to fight again. Those of us with this kind of brain are probably familiar with the ups and downs associated with them. The feeling that all is right and good and that everything is probably going to be ok can easily be shouldered aside by doubts and worries and the inability to smile or function or believe you are an important functioning human. Its very strange though, because you feel like you are non functioning, and yet your body continues to move about, and speak and interact as if it is still real! These changes can be triggered by real events, or by changes in brain chemistry, it is not always easy to pinpoint one reason.
I think I have a pretty good handle on my reason this time, but this is not the point of this post. The point is not to justify my feelings or to explain them, not even to take them apart and to analyse why I felt that way. The point of this post is to talk about why, in the face of all those feelings I decided that showing it all to the world would be the best thing to do.
In, short, writing helps me.
Putting the words down allows me to recognise them and start to move on from them. In the face of these things it is important t recognise what is going on, to see the patterns for what they are. The feelings are valid, and they feel real, but it is important to do what you need to do to recognise that they are not telling you the whole truth. Writing them down helps to do this.
So that explains why I wrote them, but not while I posted them for the world to see… This one is harder. It could be seen by some that I did it for attention, in fact the anxiety part of my brain is even now tellign me that there is some truth in that. However that is not the case. In reality, at times like that, I forget people will actually read my words, I assume that people will scroll past. The real reason I posted them is in the spirit of honesty and presenting my whole self to the world. In a world where social media is a big influencer, it is important that the reality of people is shown as well as the relentless positivity and manipulation of image. I am not saying it is wrong to be positive, however if all anyone present to the world is an up beat perfect persona, it is possible for people to believe that this is the truth of other people’s reality.
I think that really real feelings have a place alongside the positivity to show the world that sometimes people are not shiny and happy, but that that is ok, and these feelings are shared by others in the world.
I write a lot about physical fitness on here, and a while ago when I went through one of my numerous reinventions, I also mentioned that I would talk about mental health too.
So that’s me, the whole of me, the positive and the warrior goddess fighting and shouting and lifting heavy things, but also the part of me that doubts everything.
Talking about it is important.
Talking about it helps!